Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
