So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
send nudes
from the living room?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
