At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
