Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
