Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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