I cut my penus on the lid.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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