There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
