i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
