Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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