im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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