I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
