I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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