I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
