Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
