this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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