some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
