I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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