But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
false alarm. still invincible.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
