I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
