I want to make a zoo with you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
