Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
