I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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