I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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