Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
