My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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