lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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