I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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