The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
