I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
