In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
