The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
