I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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