im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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