Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
