dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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