Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
