I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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