My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
third nipple confirmed
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
