I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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