Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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