real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
