From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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