1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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