You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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