He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
