how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
