OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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