Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
