doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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