i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
