He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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